Some Thoughts On Ordering Wine

Well, stop right there. Clearly this article is NOT for you. Why?

Because I know for a fact that all of my readers are knowledgeable, sophisticated oenophiles who require no input from me. But, perhaps, for your children, or your less rounded cousins from the provinces?

Anyway the idea for today's piece came from Jancis Robinson's contribution to the Nineteen Rules piece to which I referred the other week in the Avengers Assemble article. She had three simple things to look for when the wine arrives at the table. Does the vintage conform to what was on the list? Is the liquid clean and fresh? Is it at the correct temperature?

Sadly, especially for the novice, there's a lot more to it than that. How do you choose? Colour is the obvious starting point. My only advice on that score would be to ask yourself, what do you like? If white is the only colour you can stand, that's fine. You prefer red wine with fish? Go for it. Or rose, if you must. But, of course, life isn't that simple, especially if the list is pages long.

It's tempting to go for the familiar; however, such wines may not be great value. When a wine becomes a best seller, mysteriously, more of it appears on the market, with a noticeable deterioration in quality. This is particularly the case with the white wine of the moment. Decades ago this was Muscadet from the Loire. The Australian boom of the mid 80s saw the market flooded with Chardonnay. The backlash became known as ABC - Anything But Chardonnay. Sauvignon blanc remains popular but Picpoul de Pinet seems to be in pole position now. Predictably, there's a lot of poor quality stuff about. I have a very good source, but I'm not telling you where.

If it's just a glass you're after, don't be afraid to ask to try it. Now some places sell very expensive wines by the glass, preserved by a sophisticated preservation system, so you've got no chance there, but it should be OK with the basic stuff. Be careful what you order. There are no rules about how much should be in a small or large glass. Wine must be sold in units of 125ml or 175ml or multiples thereof. Thus your large glass might be 175ml or 250ml. The latter is large enough to wash your feet in. Better just to specify the precise quantity you want.

If you're going for a bottle, it gets tricky. The restaurant will usually be applying a mark up of a minimum of 200%, often more, so it's a major investment. I used to be leery of sommeliers, but in the main I've had good experiences.  Give them an indication of the types of wine you enjoy, and what you're prepared to pay, and you may be pleasantly surprised. A fair few have come back with recommendations below my suggested budget. In Tom Kerridge's lovely but over priced place at The Corinthia Hotel in London, the list is large and expensive. I was struggling. The man with the grapes on his lapels asked if he could help. Yes, I replied, lend me £200 so I can afford to buy a drink. He laughed - a lesser man would have sneered - and pointed me in the direction of a few affordable bottles.

Not every restaurant has a dedicated wine waiter, of course, and not every waiter knows the first thing about wine. Sometimes you just have to take a punt. Years ago, in the era of wine bars, I spied a red burgundy at what seemed an incredibly low price. It was amazing, and we enjoyed it most Thursday evenings during one glorious autumn. The owner confided to me that he was the only other person who drank it. Why? Because most people couldn't pronounce the name, and were too embarrassed to order it. One dark day, he struggled to meet my eye, confessing that he'd scoffed the last bottle the previous day. Auxey-Duresses, since you ask. Perhaps another wee tip there.

So the wine has arrived and you've been shown the label. The first Jancis Robinson test - does the vintage match the list? If not, you're perfectly within your rights to reject it. I'm afraid my wine knowledge is such that I don't think I could tell the difference between an average 2022 and 2023 vintage. You may have a superior palate.

OK. It's passed that test and it has been opened. Do have a swirl and take a sniff first. It's not affectation, and you can tell if a wine is really off by the vile smell. That's what corked means. If a little bit of the cork has broken and is in your glass, that's neither here nor there. Fish it out and don't make a fuss. So let's assume that it has passed the second Robinson test. It's clean and it's fresh. The only trouble is, you don't like it. What to do? Unfortunately I think the answer is, tough. By all means tell the people. But they are under no obligation whatever to change it for you, though many will do so as a gesture of goodwill. Once in France I encountered a Muscadet which was a little sharp for my taste. I asked to order a different bottle, making it plain that I would pay for the first one. I was subjected to a patronising diatribe about the characteristics of Muscadet. Sadly my French was inadequate to translate, listen, mate, I was drinking Muscadet before you were born, so knock it off.  Mind you he did change it for me.

Wine too cold? Hold the glass for a few minutes. Not cold enough? That's what ice buckets are for.

I'm certain there's more to write on the topic, but I'm sure you've had enough for today. But of wine adventure and exploration, there is always more to come and new products to try. Good luck, and happy quaffing.