Sandemans, Fonab Castle, Pitlochry

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

Oscar Wilde, A Portrait of Dorian Gray

Sadly, I'm not so sure of the latter part. In recent times, I've become a much more nervous passenger in a car, annoying the hell out of L by applying an invisible brake despite her being an excellent driver. Taking an instant dislike to someone is not a new trait for me, but the Meg Johnston-like ability to manifest this in a temperature dropping aura is.

Now it must be said that our first contact with a staff member of Fonab Castle was a very cheery one. We were staying with old chums J & L at their home in Pitlochry. If you're local the hotel will send a concierge to collect you. A nice touch, and meeting Mike was a pleasure. The Castle itself is a fine, late Victorian affair, built by one Lt-Col George Glas Sandeman in 1892. There are various dining options, the most grand being Sandemans Restaurant, presided over by Daniel from Croatia.

On our arrival there was one other diner. Despite this we were left waiting outside without so much as an acknowledgement. Probably for less than a minute,, though it seemed longer.  How hard is it to nod, smile and say, I'll be with you in a second, instead of scuttling away, Manuel-like? Ah yes, a smile. Remember when Basil Fawlty used to smile? Never came over as genuine, did it?

Sadly, our Daniel started in the same mode. There's warmth and there's trying far too hard. And then there's the spiel about the ethos of the place, the freshness of the ingredients and the chef's parentage. (I may have made the last bit up.)

It's a tasting menu printed on an elegant card with a faux seal. Now, announced Daniel, you may open your menu. What did you think we were going to do with it, mate? Roll it up and smoke it? I'm ashamed to say that by this time I was in full Meg Johnston mode. Well almost - I don't think I actually snorted out loud.

But then Daniel brought some wine - at prices less exorbitant than I was expecting - and the world became a better place. Until, that is, he seemed to be of the view that L was vegan, as opposed to having a cream allergy. There were a variety of dishes which didn't obviously contain any cream, for which L was served a variation or sometimes a complete alternative. We had to feel for the kitchen. The main advantage to chefs of a tasting menu is that they know precisely what dishes they will be making, thus avoiding waste and the frantic rush to have four separate plates of food cooked to perfection and at the pass simultaneously. Our table pretty much doubled the workload.

No matter how irritated one may be, it's impossible to stay grumpy when food of this quality crosses the table. Daniel calmed down: I calmed down. Dishes were introduced without fuss. The volume level in the dining room did increase, but mainly as a result of the regular oohs and aahs from our table. Be in no doubt, there is serious skill at work in the kitchen. Executive Chef is Paul Tyrrell. He returned in that capacity in April of this year, having spent a couple of years here from 2016, latterly as Head Chef.

I forget what the canapes were, other than very good. The bread was impressive, with two different butters, one home made, the other from the ubiquitous Katy Rodgers. These were fine starters for the next seven courses. How could you dislike an Isle of Skye langoustine with bisque and sea buckthorn? Very easily, were it to be overcooked, which is a simple thing to do. This was perfection. The trouble was that although we kept saying that, each course trumped the one before. There was a wild mushroom tortello with a lovely clear broth, then some halibut in a sauce which, apparently contained Sandeman White Port. If you were idly thinking that Colonel George was related to the Sandeman wine and port people, you would be correct.

The last three savoury plates, excellent though they were, simply lit the way for the show stopper. I may have eaten a better dish than the Sika Deer Wellington, but certainly not this year.

After writing all that, I had to take a little break to get my breath back. The memory of this dinner will linger for a very long time. A couple of puds, the strawberry parfait being overshadowed by a dramatic concoction of Valrhona chocolate, a sphere filled with whisky crémeux needing some care to demolish.

I saw specimen menus online (the carte changes daily) featuring a cheese board at a supplement. There would have been so many downsides to that. After everything we had consumed we were full but not uncomfortably so. Attacking a selection of dairy would have pushed things over the edge. And from the kitchen's point of view that could not possibly be profitable. So what does chef do? It takes daring, nay genius, to design our final plate. Three components. A smallish square of Glenmorangie washed brie, a tiny truffled Madeleine and a dottle of heather honey. Compact. Simple. Elegant. Oh my.

When the bill came, we were surprised. Is there no service charge, we enquired? Daniel said he thought we (he meant me) were unhappy with him so he had taken it off. Anyone who delivers to you food of that quality has to become your friend, despite an awkward first date. Unlike the meal I may have had my faults, but I think I redeemed myself by insisting he added back the full whack for his labours.

I sometimes feel the need to write a bon mot or two at the end. No such requirement here. Just read the score, concentrate on the food and forget the rest.