Are You The Perfect Lunch or Dinner Guest?

Be a stunning guest. You can come back any time.

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This article was inspired by a recent lunch which we had. It was a great success. Out of modesty I won't mention the food, but the conversation flowed, good fun was had by all, and it was a shock to everyone to realise that the clock had struck 7. This was a fairly small affair with people we barely knew, so some of it was down to luck. But the same sort of thing applies to a larger party. Very simple. Invite lots of nice people, provide great food and limitless quantities of booze. The rest is up to them (apart from your hard work which will leave you knackered for three days.)

So what makes for the perfect guest for a small lunch or dinner? As is often the case, it's easier to look at where things go wrong. For example, when to arrive? If it's a large affair which doesn't involve a sit down meal, it doesn't much matter, I suppose. If you want to be fashionably late, just make sure you know what you're invited for. Cooking for 8 people or so is about my limit, though L can cater for 40 without breaking sweat. So if I've invited you for seven and you pitch up at quarter to eight, you won't be back. Not because I've been stupid enough to worry about a soufflé - it's just rudeness to your fellow diners.

Please don't be early either. I may just be coming out of the shower at 10 to.  Sometimes running ahead of time may not be your fault if, for example, a bus or taxi arrives earlier than anticipated. But please pick up the phone to ask if it's OK to ring the bell, or if you should pop into the local for a quick aperitif. The final point on timing is from a personal point of view. If I've been slaving over the stove all day, by 7 I am gasping for a drink, and L won't let me open the fizz at 7. By 7.10, however, she may have relented. By 7.30 the best stuff may be gone, and serve you right.

I swear that my glowing assessment of our friends in the first paragraph had nothing (well not much) to do with the bottle of vintage Champagne and the biggest bunch of flowers I've ever seen, but the question of what to take is an interesting one. Turning up empty handed is the biggest no-no for me. I will remember you for ever. But neither do I expect over the top gestures. If wine is going to be served, I think coming with a bottle is de rigeur. I certainly wouldn't expect to be drinking the bottle I brought, but I would probably assess the quality according to what the host is likely to serve.

But what if you're on a limited budget? There are lots of ways to keep costs under control. A few flowers from your garden, or perhaps something home made. Jars of jam or chutney or a few home made biscuits can say more than the most expensive gestures.

Food allergies, likes and dislikes? I'm inclined to pass the onus back to the chef. I will always email to ask if there is anything which you can't eat or would prefer not to. As a result my famous dish of Tripe Stuffed with Andouilette has yet to see the light of day. Your role as guest is to read the effing email and give an honest reply. Having once been assured that everyone ate everything, I issued the call to table only for someone to murmur in my ear, did I tell you that X doesn't eat meat? Words continue to fail.

But unless you were sufficiently anal to write down the guest's reply, don't be afraid to repeat the query each time. I recently looked on in horror as a regular table chum very unobtrusively and delicately set aside all the tomato from a Salad Caprese. Had I sent that follow up email? Oops. Mea culpa.

When to leave? No hard and fast rules. The host and hostess getting into their jammies is a bit of a give away. If, on the other hand, more wine is being opened, they may not be desperate to get rid of you. I generally find five is a reasonable time for lunch, and about 1030 for dinner, but it depends on your pals. At my house this will be less of a problem, as I'm likely to ask if you have no homes to go to. Other establishments are less direct/rude.

Play it by ear, and if you get a repeat invitation you probably got most of it right.

On The Side will be back in a couple of weeks